YouTube Beauty Guru’s Battle with Depression is Worse Than You Thought

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Leesha Collinge, better known as xsparkage on YouTube, has been making videos for almost 10 years, meaning that her viewers know pretty much everything about her life. Fans watched the 28-year-old get married AND have a baby online, and also followed along as she battled postpartum depression after little Violet was born in 2014. The beauty guru was very open about getting doctors’ help, taking medicine and trying to get back to ‘normal’ for about a year following her daughter’s birth, but talk of PPD slowly trickled off, making people assume she was cured. Turns out, her battle was just getting started.

The YouTuber made a video explaining that her mental health never really got better, but she didn’t realize she was still battling depression until recently.

“I knew that I had depression. I knew that I’d taken all these medicines to try to make me feel back to myself, but…it really wasn’t until last week that [my husband] Paul kinda explained to me that depression doesn’t necessarily need to mean that you are sad — it can mean that you’re indifferent; you just don’t feel either way,” she said. “That you just…are at 50 percent. And that can be depression. And once he told me that, I realized how long I’ve been at 50 percent, at feeling not necessarily sad, but not feeling motivated.”

“I didn’t realize that feeling ‘meh’ was part of these mental issues that really suck and I wish were more widely accepted,” she concluded.

Leesha apologized for withdrawing from her YouTube family in the past couple months, which is something she didn’t have to to at all — mental disorders are real illnesses and should be treated the same as any other sickness.

These 13 other YouTube beauty gurus opened up about their struggle with anxiety: