5 Not-So-Vulgar Insults to Replace Swear Words

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Bad Words, Curse WordsWhen I was 15, I wasn’t particularly inclined to believe anything my mom said, but I did strongly consider her advice when it came to swearing: “If you want to turn a boy off, cuss. Swearing is for people who can’t think of anything more interesting to say.”

Cursing is an easy habit to start and a hard one to stop. Sometimes there’s nothing like a good F-bomb to release a little stress, but really, it makes you sound trashy. Srsly.

So, long ago, I came up with a list of different, yet equally irksome insults to hurl at my enemies. Because really, hasn’t “bitch” kind of lost its punch by now?

1. Sea Donkey
I don’t know what it means either but it is effective. People do not like to be called a sea donkey. Not one little bit. So the next time you want to call your arch-enemy a whale or a ho, try sea donkey instead. She’ll be equal parts confused and annoyed.


2. Herb
My best friend calls guys “Herbs” (the h is not silent) all the time. She claims it’s short for Herbert—which is something between a doofus and a douchebag, but lamer. If that’s even possible.


3. Pie-Faced Crotch Pheasant
Yes, it’s a mouthful, but it’s also bafflingly offensive. Your victim will open their mouth to retort out of reflex, but then realize they have no idea what you said. “I’m a what?” they’ll say, as you just smirk and walk on by. Plus, this insult has nice sharp consonant sounds—a key component to any good curse.


4. Turd Sandwich
If you really want to go the extra mile in an argument, add that they’re a turd sandwich deluxe, complete with a pickle spear and olive on a toothpick.


5. Milksop
This is an old-timey insult that I found deep in the dictionary one day. It means “an unmanly man” — perfect for hurling at your boyfriend when he refuses to kill the spider in the bathroom.


Which of these words do you like the best? Think you’ll use any of them in your everyday life? The comments are calling…

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