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YouTube Star Considered Suicide After Being Raped in High School

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Eva Gutowski bravely revealed that she was raped when she was just 16 years old a couple months ago, but that wasn’t the only struggle she faced while she was in high school. The 22-year-old star recently finished watching 13 Reasons Why (like the rest of the world) and decided that now is a good time to open up about how she once battled depression and had suicidal thoughts, too.

“I never had somebody that I could go to for things that I really needed to talk to somebody about,” she explained. “I couldn’t go to my family because my family was a part of the problem. I had no friends to talk to about those issues and so I didn’t know what to do. It was really scary for me to ask for help.”

While she felt “hopeless” for quite some time, she didn’t tell anyone about her depression until the fact came spilling out during an argument with her parents.

“My parents got mad at me for saying that I was depressed and I think they got mad because I was the first child and they didn’t know how to handle that and I also think they got mad at me because my family couldn’t afford much at all. And when I said I needed help — I couldn’t even go to the doctor’s because the doctor cost money. So how am I going to get treated for depression if I can’t even go to the doctor’s for a cough?”

Things eventually got so bad that she told her grandmother she was going to kill herself “because that would be the only way that people would understand how much they were hurting [her].”

Luckily, Eva never acted on her suicidal thoughts and did things that helped pull her out of her depression — including writing a list of all the things she wanted to accomplish one day.

“I know that I’m going through tons of storms; I’m not done,” she emotionally concluded the video. “And I want you to know that too, that the first storm you go through may be in high school, may be in childhood, may be coming. Maybe you’re in that first storm, that first thing that makes you feel like there’s no tomorrow. But if you get through that, and I know that you can and that you will — you’re going to feel amazing.”

If you or someone you know needs confidential support, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.

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Eva is just one YouTube star who is the survivor of a sexual assault:

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