The CLOG - A Clevver Blog

It’s true, folks–she wasn’t just a complete wackjob all this time–it was the DRUGS that made her nuts! How awesome is THIS news? The whole last two seasons of American Idol now officially make SENSE!

I feel so much better now.

Anyway, dig the word on just what the story was:

Abdul says she was diagnosed with a neurological disorder called “reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome” in 2005 and started wearing a patch that delivered a pain medication 80 times more potent than morphine, taking nerve medications, and muscle relaxers, and decided to enter rehab.

…EIGHTY TIMES more potent than morphine?? And other medication on top of it? She wasn’t just the queen of Cloudcuckooland, she WAS Metaluna. Double bonus kudos points for anyone who gets BOTH references there.

But YIPES, folks. Just…YIPES. That’s a LOT of medication–small wonder she hit rehab.

Folks, I don’t know what to make of this one; this was pulled directly from Courtney Love’s Twitter page, and Ashton Kutcher makes more sense than this stuff on a regular basis. Just as a guide, some of it’s about the appearance of Diablo Cody on YouTube, and a bit more is rumor control on the idea that Courtney referred to Pamela Anderson as “white trash”, which is a bit like a fascist calling a lawyer a control freak. Dig the (almost coherent) word:

“Watching diablo on the vuew on you tube and shld be sleeping i l;opve pam! where do people getthis s***? edera we m,ust discuss the next one with silver! ;pts and ;lots of ei;ver o ;ovethe onme you macdefor me so much i could CRY amd shri,ptom whats up i wnt my Upcycle!”

(note: minor edits were made to make it work-safe)

…did she have a “wiigii” error there, or did she just “stroke out” for a minute? A “wiigii”, by the way, is a term from webcomicker David Willis, and describes an accidental transposing of immediate keys by touch-typists. Instead of “Woohoo”, you get “wiigii”, which is just the result of a key to the left accidentally.

I’ve got to admit, I’m freaked out plenty by that last sentence. What the deal is, I know precious little—but it’s still freaky, no matter how you slice it.

Maybe Miley went out and found a man that didn’t look like a vat-grown clone of her daddy.

It was getting pretty creepy to watch, but it seems there may be some trouble in Camp Miley between her and recent beau Justin Gaston. How can you tell, you wonder? Well, we’ve intercepted a few bits from Justin Gaston’s Twitter page, and with a little bit of speculation and extrapolation, we can draw a few early conclusions. Here’s the evidence:

First, Gaston comes out with: “Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.” Not exactly the kind of thing you put up for no clear reason–either he’s feeling very retro or very disenfranchised with love.

But three hours later, he followed that up with: “Best bridge ever: ‘Because money can’t buy a husband’s jealous eye when you have knowingly deceived his wife.’ (Derek Webb)” Now put the two together and you’ve got some serious troubles here–especially considering the recent goings-on between Miley and Nick Jonas.

Like I said, all extrapolation and speculation, but putting two and two together here makes for an unsettling picture to say the least.

So it’s not just Joe Satriani who wants a piece of Coldplay’s hit Viva La Vida–apparently now Cat Stevens is getting in on the action, claiming that “the song takes substantial original portions” from his song “Foreigner Suite”. Plus, he believes that “he’s owed any and all profits” the band has made from the track.”

There’s no word on how Joe Satriani’s taking this–especially since it wasn’t so long ago that he was staking out an awards show waiting to serve papers on the band. But the biggest problem may be that Chris Martin himself, frontman of Coldplay, has already admitted to having these kinds of problems when he referred to the group as “incredibly good plagiarists” in an interview with Rolling Stone. He’s even publicly admitted to ripping off both Jeff Buckley and Kate Bush.

Why do I get the feeling Coldplay will be going down in particularly hot flames soon?

No, really. Totally, completely innocent. Nothing to do with it at all.

You may not have known this, but 50 Cent’s Long Island mansion burned down back in May of 2008, while he, his ex-girlfriend and their eleven year old son were living there. 50 apparently tired of his ex living in his house, so he began eviction proceedings to have his girlfriend removed. No word if 50 would’ve then forced his own son out in the streets alongside his mother, but that’s a different issue. Anyway, not long after this started, the house burned to the ground, and the ex-girlfriend was quick to suggest that 50 himself did it out of some kind of spite–an “if I can’t live here in peace then no one will again. Ever.” sort of thing.

Well, the official reports are back, and they seem to do a good job clearing 50–dig the word:

“The police department and insurance investigators ruled that there is absolutely no proof or evidence suggesting that Curtis Jackson or any affiliated parties were involved. Curtis Jackson has just been cleared of all the accusations. The investigation will continue until the guilty party is found.”

This was found on 50’s own web site, so take it with as big a grain of salt as necessary.

Sad news out of Hollywood, folks–actor, comedian and chef Dom DeLuise passed away in his sleep at the age of seventy-five

DeLuise was known for a host of roles over a long career, including his role as a flamboyant director during a completely out of canon sequence in Blazing Saddles, as well as in Cannonball Run and Spaceballs, where even I was surprised to discover he was the guy who played Pizza the Hutt. I must’ve seen Spaceballs two dozen times or more but I never realized it was him in the Pizza suit.

He wrote four cookbooks and seven children’s books, had three sons and a long marriage to actress Carol Arthur.

A funny guy with a whole panoply of great roles and great memories–so long, Dom…you will be missed.

Good to be back on the Clog, folks! Let’s wade right in to the best kind of celebrity stupidity–the kind they’re on record with!

“I no longer feel insecure about my acting. Early on I took any job that was offered, milking it for the money. I had no idea what I was doing — that’s when insecurity and self-loathing start.”
–Tom Hanks

Okay, um…you ARE aware that that’s how you get all the plum roles today, right? It’s called building a portfolio, a resume, or just plain old EXPERIENCE. You didn’t SERIOUSLY think you were going to walk right into Angels and Demons, did you? Man, maybe success is going to Tom Hanks’ head.

“It’s peculiar and unnerving in a way to see so many young people walking around with cellphones and iPods in their ears and so wrapped up in media and video games. It robs them of their self-identity. It’s a shame to see them so tuned out to real life”
–Bob Dylan

Way to bite the hand that feeds you, Bob; those kids on their iPods might well be listening to your songs. Besides, real life is graphically overrated anyway. You see what’s been going on in real life lately? Jobs are scarce, people living in tents, the President just blew three hundred large taking pictures of New York City that immediately became classified material…I think I’d rather be playing World of Warcraft.

“I’d go over to them (in the Middle East) and throw a party, so they could all get together and get along and stop the war.” –Paris Hilton

Paris, I love you. Really, I do. Sometimes I wonder if this whole stupidity thing is just an act but then you come out with something like this. They’d STONE YOU ON SIGHT. You know you’d never wear a burka. The thought of you going over there, throwing a party and hoping everyone would show up is either spectacularly naive or spectacularly stupid, I can’t tell which. It’s worse if you mean it, and if this is just part of the act, then you’re much better than I give you credit for.

Great. Now I can’t tell if it’s all an act again. Thanks, Paris!

Wonder if there was cherry chapstick involved?

But in all seriousness, folks, while filming the upcoming Little Ashes, Rob Pattinson, who has been captivating audiences for one whole film with his recent sparkly vampire performance in Twilight, shares a man-on-man kiss. Pattinson plays Salvador Dali, who will be seen swimming naked in the moonlight with Federico Garcia Lorca.

Of course, this has already sparked a whole host of “is he secretly gay?” gossip, but as pretty much everyone already knows he’s almost certainly just acting. ALMOST certainly–I guess that anything’s possible, and one thing celebrity gossip writing has taught me is that you rule anything out at your own peril, but I’m calling this an extreme long shot that Pattinson’s actually GAY.

And never say I don’t do anything for you, o my readership–here’s the video of said naked swimming kiss. Enjoy.

Man, I knew there was something to the whole “Tupac’s not dead” argument, especially considering there was a new Tupac album hitting stores every six months or so, but there may be some truth to the wishful thinking after all, maybe possibly kinda sorta perhaps.

Okay, you may be wondering what I’m getting at with all the prefaces, but here’s the deal. Apparently, a guy who looked and sounded JUST LIKE TUPAC walked into a club in Louisiana–Bourbon Rocks, by name–last Sunday, and the DJ on duty, MC Difficult, announced to all and sundry that “Tupac’s alive!”

The Tupac in question responded to questions and identified himself by the name “My Lord”. My Lord / Tupac then proceeded to spend the night pounding Budweisers with a hot chick and posed for one picture with MC Difficult before leaving. His final question to Difficult before leaving, however, was if Difficult knew where he could “score some good weed”.

…maybe Tupac really IS alive….

Because they’re done like an Easter ham, kids. And here everyone thought their marriage was going to hold up.

Publicists confirm that Kelis and Nas, once thought to be a marriage like a rock, have indeed split up. Granted, by all reports it seems to be amicable, but we don’t yet know why they split. You may remember how Kelis and Nas bragged that they bought their isolated Atlanta house specifically for the purpose of enjoying..well..extremely noisy canoodling, let us just say. And even worse, Kelis is apparently seven months pregnant with the result of one such noisy canoodling.

It’s a tragic day for celebrity breakups, kids…we don’t take any pleasure in it, but the news is still the news, and the news must always go on.

Does this come as a shock to anyone else? Seriously, does it? But it’s true–she recently made this announcement to the British publication News of the World, which really makes me think they’re stretching the title:

“I’m not embarrassed about being bisexual. This is who I am. Love is pure and I try to keep it that way. This is who I am, what I feel. I think it’s unnecessary to draw the subject out, but I think it even more stupid not to discuss it. It seems as if bisexuality is a trend and I should whip up the masses. Well, I don’t believe in trends, I just believe in me.”

Next up from News of the World: the sun is hot, smoking is bad for you, and you need a head to live. Seriously, this qualifies as NEWS? Frankly, I debated whether or not to even take a run at this myself but realized I could have plenty of fun mocking News of the World for actually believing that this might be news to people. We all had a pretty good idea Pink was bi–even Perez Hilton says that most people knew this one already–but I guess it’s good to have that in-print confirmation.

Now, this killed me when I heard it, folks–the swine flu outbreak (scuse me, I mean H1N1, please don’t send the CDC manners cops after me!) has landed in Great Britain, and it’s hit the lead singer of the drum-and-bass group N-DUBZ with a full on case.

Twenty year old Tulisa Contostavlos collapsed on a flight from London to Athens for a family vacation and was diagnosed with swine flu, or H1N1. Contostavlos was then admitted to a hospital and is currently being held in an isolation ward, but by all reports it looks as if Contostavlos will make a full recovery, as have most of the swine flu cases so far.

The band’s spokescritters went so far as to say they hope Contostavlos will be released in a couple of days.

I don’t think in the history of tabloid celebrity bashing have I ever gotten sick of, or ever even cared about the way a celeb was getting treated by the paparazzi. But the constant negative coverage of Lindsay Lohan has just gotten old.

The starlet said it herself, “My life really isn’t that interesting.” And it isn’t! So for me, I was glad to see LiLo on Ellen, setting the damn record straight finally. I have a feeling that the LiLo era of celebrity exploitation is coming to an end….but where one falls, another rises!

Obviously, you can’t put timing on illness, but it would be nice if you could huh? Unfortunately that timing got a few of Jay Leno’s international fans pissed off.

How? Leno is a giant! He’s big in other countries too! So if they travel all the way to L.A. and have intentions on seeing his show in person. They expect just that! Not this week ladies and gentlemen!

This actually is the first time in all the years Leno has done the Tonight Show that a taping has had to be cancelled due to him being ill. Can you believe that? Since 1992!!!! And you call-in every few weeks or so.

Blagojevich is the guy who is being prosecuted for allegedly trying to sell President Barak Obama’s former U.S. Senate seat. Now that he is the public example of the kinds of things that the U.S. government does regularly, but we don’t know about, he’s probably trying to figure out how not to go broke. Which is how we are going to end up with Blagojevich participating in the next season of “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!” in some way. Blagojevich openly admitted that he is doing it to support his family…the only time we can say for sure that he was telling the truth.

I don’t know what, but there is something eerily funny about poloticians that display their character or try to at least. With that said, I don’t mind seeing an ex-Senator or Governer on TV here and there, I just hope that this doesn’t become a trend…..Imagine having reality TV council meeting debate competitions on MTV in the future…yuk!!