The CLOG - A Clevver Blog

Jonah Hill and Jason Schwartzman will star in The Adventurer’s Handbook for Universal Pictures, who scored the project for seven figures, according to Variety.

The comedy, inspired by the book by Mick Conefrey, was written by Hill, Matt Spicer, and Max Winkler.  It’s about a quartet of friends who get inspired by stories of hardcore explorers and decide to go on an adventure themselves.

Akiva Shaffer, one third of the Lonely Island along with Andy Samberg and Jorma Taccone, will direct.

Hill and Schwartzman just worked together in Judd Apatow’s Funny People, out this summer.

In a show of respect for the recently deceased, a collective of Heath Ledger fans are banding together to demand that the Joker be permanently retired from all future installments of Batman film.

An online petition is already making the rounds and has garnered, at last report, over twenty five hundred names.  One of the petitions originators had this to say:

“We are Batman fans from the comics and from the movies (sic). After we saw ‘The Dark Knight,’ we thought this Joker was really the best. It deserves to be withdrawn from any Batman sequels.”

I’m of a mixed opinion about this.  Indeed, I think it’d be tough to top Heath Ledger.  That was easily the best rendition of the Joker that I’ve ever seen. My jaw STILL drops when I see the Pencil Trick.  But the thought of never seeing it again?  That sounds just a bit too forceful for my tastes.  I’d love to see it come back.  Oh, maybe it’ll never be so good again…but who knows?  With time and training and a whole lot of love, maybe…just maybe…there could actually be better.

And if we ban the Joker now…we’ll never know what might have been.

Seems the ever-watching ocularies of the media have been keeping eyes front on Madonna’s new boyfriend Jesus Luz.  Of especial interest after the recent revelations that the Material Girl’s former beau Alex Rodriguez was doped to the gills on steroids roughly six years ago, Luz had quite a past of his own.

Page Six did some digging on this, and they discovered that he spent a lot of time in FOUR different Brazilian discos while he was down that way, and was previously dividing his time between two girlfriends when he met Madonna during a shoot for W Magazine.

This is pretty mundane by itself–K-Fed did it first, and better because he had kids involved–but when you tack it on to this choice little tidbit from his Orkut messaging account:

It is not important what the others think about us. The most important is what and whom [sic] we are. I have a clear conscience even if I am condemned. We cannot forget that Jesus was condemned.”

That ratchets things up into a whole new domain of creepy.  Unless he’s talking about himself in the third person on that last sentence, chances are he’s referring to Jesus Christ.  And trying to establish a connection between yourself and the Son of God never really looks good or goes well.

Shades of the prophetic for you today, folks, as maybe Rihanna knew a whole lot more about Chris Brown than anyone wanted to think about.

She was apparently in the midst of working on a collaboration track with rapper Akon called “Emergency Room”, which featured downright chilling lyrics like:

“I’m going to leave your heart broken on the floor/ You’re gonna be in the emergency room/ I’m standing by your bed/ And so tempted to pull out your IV.”

Starting to make me wonder if Disturbia wasn’t just a clever song.  Not just that..what about Unfaithful?  She was actually talking about murder in that one.  If the Chris Brown thing weren’t a factor I’d go so far as to wonder if Rihanna had some kind of mental disorder.  That’s a possibility…but what if she’s been trying to get out a message all this time?  Unfaithful…Disturbia…and now Emergency Room?  Even that song S.O.S….that’s named after an ACTUAL cry for help!

Chick’s had a dark catalogue for a long time now…how much of it was a warning?

Mothers, lock up your sons…literally.  And you may want to invest in razor wire and shotguns while you’re at it, because professional Hollywood wackjob Paris Hilton is out on the hunt for a new man.

Paris first filled us in at the Grammys, when she told host Ryan Seacrest that she was single.  More specifically, that she was “single single single with a capital S”.  By way of further clarification, she explained that she didn’t bring a date to the Grammys because “you don’t bring sand to the beach”.  She also took a second to put paid to the rumors that she’d been “all over” Ike Turner wannabe Chris Brown, saying that she just “said ‘hello’ and that’s it” and that she “loves Rihanna”.

This goes back to what I said earlier–there’s literally no rumor that can’t be made believable by including the words “Paris Hilton” somewhere in it.

She’s doing Shakespeare.

Now, I know that in celebrity blogging circles, normally the phrase “she’s doing Shakespeare” doesn’t usually come up unless there’s a rapper by that name somewhere and they’ve been caught having sex.  But this is a day of firsts, folks, and that means I’m filling you in on a celebrity about to take on a role in a Shakespearean production.

Hathaway will be taking the role of Viola in Twelfth Night in Central Park’s Public Theatre later this summer.  I’m actually pretty enthused–Hathaway had a chance to exhibit some of her range playing in “Rachel Getting Married” recently, so much so that she’s being bandied around in the same breath as Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet for an Oscar nod.

I may not get the chance to see it, but best wishes to Hathaway.  Break a leg!

Opera is now officially dead, kids.

And no, I don’t mean OPRAH.  I mean actual opera.  Like with the fat chicks singing.

Why do I pronounce the great classical medium dead?  Well, that’s an easy one. Because someone’s decided to make an opera out of Anna Nicole Smith’s life.

Read that sentence a couple times.  If you’re not amazed–if you’re not convinced I’m lying–then maybe you’ll want to read on.  Richard Thomas, the same guy that brought us the opera about Jerry Springer, is currently writing said opera, which will first appear at London’s Royal Opera House in 2011.  It will be a production that, in the words of the Royal Opera House’s spokesfolk, will examine “human frailty” and compares to something German called Zeit-oper, or Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor.

The worst part about this is that they’re all dead serious.  What’s next?  Caylee Anthony?  Freaking Octo-Mom?  I truly can’t believe this exists.

And they keep telling me that video games are going to rot my brain.

You can blame Paris Hilton for a lot of things, but the newest thing being laid at her doorstep is causing an epidemic.  Of what, you might ask–rudeness?  Stupidity?  …syphilis?  What epidemic is Paris Hilton being blamed for??

Abandoned Chihuahuas.

Investigated for owning a full seventeen dogs–US laws prohibit anyone but breeders from owning more than THREE–Paris is being blamed for making tiny Chihuahuas the trendy “purse dog” of the twenty-first century.  Santa Barbara animal shelters now refuse to allow anyone under 21 to adopt a miniature dog, after seeing a rash of young women get tiny Chihuahuas for their purses, only to dump them in the shelter after they become too big for the purses.

The head of the Chihuahua Club of America, Lynnie Bunten, told the National Enquirer:

“Chihuahuas are not a toy or a fashion accessory. But because some people think they are - then realize they’re wrong - there’s a growing problem of abandoned Chihuahuas.”

Now, look…I’m fond of picking on Paris. She’s an easy target.  She does enough idiotic things in a week to make a celebrity blogger set for a month.  But even I say this is going too far.  Just because she has a purse dog doesn’t mean everyone else needs to rush right out and get one. Paris has seventeen dogs.  Even if she abandoned every one, she wouldn’t have caused an epidemic.

I put the blame squarely on all these “young women” who think they need some kind of purse dog just because Paris has one.  And yes…you actually heard me stick up for Paris Hilton.  Savor the flavor, because it won’t come around often.  But I’ve got her back on this one.

The “huh?” moment of the day comes from Tara Reid, who announced that she’s now clean and sober for sixty days and looking forward to the future.

No, seriously.  Tara Reid.  Clean and sober.

Apparently, back last November, Tara went to Israel’s famed Western Wall, where you write a prayer on a sheet of paper and insert it into the wall. Part of Tara’s was for health and happiness, and she says that when she jammed that paper into the wall, something changed inside her and she “realized that partying is not what (she is) anymore”.  She then cancelled a scheduled celebrity retreat (Tara Reid qualifies as a celebrity?) and instead went to rehab.  She now has a new set of friends and is planning to stay single for the next twelve months.

…wow. It’s NOT a joke.  I think she means this one, folks–we’ll keep our eyes front, but in the meantime, best wishes, Tara.

Seems that Lindsay Lohan’s mom’s been having some trouble with the taxman of late–recently TMZ caught a public notice that says that Dina Lohan owes about eleven and a half large to the county tax authorities, and if said tax bill isn’t paid TOMORROW, the tax lien comes up for public auction.  And if THAT happens, then Mama Lohan is going to owe TEN PERCENT INTEREST on the lien to a private buyer.  Imagine the sheer value of the bragging rights.

There’s not a whole lot of word out of Lindsay about this thoroughly revoltin’ development, and not much more word if Lindsay’s going to pop open her checkbook and bail momma out.  Of course, when you consider all of Lindsay’s expenses–Samantha Ronson, shopping at Kid Robot, Samantha Ronson, maybe some crack–not even all that fat Herbie cash can carry through it all.

Maybe Lindsay can sell some of the back copies of I Know Who Killed Me and raise the cash.  Well, maybe if she sold them as autographed coasters….

Kate Moss…has a TUMMY BULGE?  What did she do, swallow an entire Lifesaver?

No, it seems that the two-dimensional model might in fact be pregnant with boyfriend Jamie Hince of the band The Kills’ baby.  She was actually spotted sucking in the gut as far back as last month, when she was vacationing in Thailand with Hince.

Radar Online actually went so far as to say that Moss was spotted leaving the Ivy restaurant in London with “a bulge from more than just a heavy meal”.  Spokespeople told Radar Online that “it is a private matter”, which as we all know in PR talk means “I’m not allowed to say yes even if it WERE true.”

Though to Radar Online, I ask, how can you tell the difference?  This chick made a living out of being a professional stick figure.  A “heavy meal” for this woman is an after-dinner mint.  Maybe she’s just letting herself go in her advancing age.

But I guess we’ll find out soon enough–it’s not exactly the kind of thing you can hide for long.

…will not be a third Batman.  Instead, it’s called Inception, and it’s based on an original script by Nolan himself.

Variety describes it as “a contemporary sci-fi actioner set within the architecture of the mind.”  So in other words, we don’t know much about it.

Between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Nolan made The Prestige, so it’s not entirely surprising that he wants to take a Batman break again.  But even with The Prestige, Nolan was able to get The Dark Knight out three years after Begins, which is unlikely to happen again.  The Variety article mentions that Warner Bros. hopes to get Inception out by summer 2010 — which would realistically position a third Bat movie for a release no earlier than summer 2012.

And that’s if Nolan decides to do it at all.

Still, this is exciting news, since Nolan’s non-Batman movies (which include Memento and Insomnia) have all been terrific in their own right.

The brand-new teaser trailer for Inglourious Basterds — and yes, that is the official spelling — was just released yesterday.  If you’ve been itching to see Brad Pitt star in a Quentin Tarantino version of a “kill as many Nazis as possible” movie, here’s your chance…

After years of Tarantino hyping this thing up, it’s actually gone through production rather fast — if everything goes smoothly, we get to see it in August.

Dragonball Evolution is coming out this spring, and hopefully some people are excited about that, but I’ve watched the trailer twice now and I still have no idea what it’s about — just that it looks like a cross between a Uwe Boll film and another questionable-looking action movie coming out this spring, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.

The cast is eclectic: Justin Chatwin (War of the Worlds) as the lead, Goku, James Marsters (Buffy) as Lord Piccolo, Emmy Rossum (Phantom of the Opera) as Bulma, and Chow Yun-Fat (Crouching Tiger) as Master Roshi.  Oh, and Ernie Hudson, the guy from Ghostbusters, as “Master Mutaito”.  Presumably all this makes sense to fans of Dragonball Z.

For a jolt of old-school starpower in a Hollywood that’s currently ruled by superheroes, it’s hard to get much better than a Tom Cruise/Denzel Washington pair-up.  Cruise is in negotiations to join Washington in The Matarese Circle, an adaptation of the thriller novel by Robert Ludlum (The Bourne Identity).

David Cronenberg (Eastern Promises, A History of Violence) will direct the potential franchise-starter for MGM.

The story casts the two leads as bitter enemy spies who begrudgingly stop trying to kill each other and team up to combat the Matarese, a top-secret group at the root of a conspiracy.  MGM’s current plan is to go into production before the end of this year in order to facilitate a 2010 release.

Despite constant doomsaying about Cruise’s career from the media, his latest movie, Valkyrie, made $82 million here in the U.S.