1. Kate kept Jon on an allowance of just five dollars a day.  That’s right–Jon was allowed just five bucks per day for spending money, and if he ever needed more, he would only get it at the expense of hours of intense browbeating.

2. Before the sextuplets were born, Jon lost a job for spending hours at a time doing personal websurfing to get free stuff for his upcoming litter of children.  That’s what his boss says, anyway–Jon and Kate, meanwhile, claim that Jon was fired because the company didn’t want the burden of insuring the children.

3. Kate’s brother and sister-in-law are actually trying to get LAWS PASSED–yes, like actual laws–making it illegal for shows like Jon and Kate Plus Eight to ever exist.

What on earth will happen next??  Well, folks, that’s why you read the Clog.  More news as it hits!

In case you haven’t been keeping up, the rumors are flying fast and furious around the real-life title characters of the show Jon and Kate Plus 8—one day he’s having an affair.  The next she’s having an affair herself.  Both deny everything.  And then, well, that means all sorts of potentially nasty things for the show and the media empire and—let’s face it—who’s going to watch Two Philanderers Who Had A Mess Of Kids But Still Kept Sleeping Around?  In fact, on the most recent episode, the two didn’t appear on camera together until the last fifteen minutes of the show.  Then, toward the end, Kate delivered the fateful pronouncement about their potentially doomed marriage.

So will we be seeing more pancakes and potties next season?  Or is this flash in the pan already burnt out?

Alec Baldwin has been oh-ficially declared an “undesirable alien” by the Filipino government, meaning he is not allowed anywhere in the country.  Ever.  He will “only be allowed back in with approval from the country’s Department of Foreign Affairs.”

Bureau of Immigration Commissioner Marcelino Libanan said in a statement: “by being in the bureau’s blacklist, Baldwin is forbidden from entering the country as he is deemed an undesirable alien.”

Nicely done, people of the Philippines!  Which of our celebrities will you ban from the country next?

My bet:  Paris Hilton.

Apparently, Gwyneth’s coming back to play Pepper Potts in the upcoming Iron Man 2, and she’s glad to be back but she’s having some serious trouble dealing with co-star Scarlett Johansson.  Dig the word:

“Gwyneth was looking forward to working with EMILY BLUNT, who was originally in line for the part, but it ended up being Scarlett. Gwyneth’s had to live with that and she has been very professional, but she and Scarlett haven’t developed a friendship on the shoot, which is almost at the half way point.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.”

Uh oh, Gwyneth–a new “frenemy” on the horizon?  Will there be another scathing GOOP piece like your mid-April Be about “evil tongues”?  I’m eagerly awaiting the news post that says she’s been chucking expensive toilet paper and Faberge eggs at Scarlett’s trailer.

So thanks to Gwyneth Paltrow for once again being a massive prat and giving me tons of cannon fodder!

Here’s some scary news for you, folks–after Madge ditched the baseballer for a new model some time ago, we haven’t heard a whole lot out of A-Rod on his social life.  Well, it may surprise you to know that Kate Hudson’s been spotted with him on several occasions.  Once at the Fountainbleau in Miami, a second time at a recent Yankees game, and then there was this:

Then she and A-Rod went to an awful Southwestern restaurant on the Upper East Side where they, according to sources, made out in a back room.

It’s a bad sign when someone like Kate Hudson is stooping to be the rebound girl for a guy Madonna dumped, but hey, more power to the two of them if they’re happy together.

“He’s a lovely guy and he and Our Lady J got on like a house on fire. They have eaten out together and been to parties. They have become quite close,” the source stated. It seems that the drag queen is equally taken in by Radcliffe, and boasted about their latest meeting on a Twitter site. “

So here’s the interesting question–is “good friends” just something to be taken at face value, or is Harry Potter learning how to cast Datus Transvesticus?  No one but the two of them really knows for sure, but either way, man…this is just sheer lunacy.

It would be an actual no-kidding VIOLATION OF THEIR CONTRACT to do so.   Of course, it remains to be seen whether or not they’d actually enforce that clause, considering the publicity avalanche it’d cause, but it’s there.

Two, Star Magazine has officially confirmed that Rob Pattinson is actually dating a stripper named Kendra.

Star further states that Pattinson has been regularly visiting a Vancouver strip club by the name of Brandi’s Exotic Nightclub to see Kendra, who has been described as looking a lot like Bo Derek did in the movie 10.

I know this is going to hit a LOT of people hard, but that is the current word, and unless Star Magazine wants to get sued into oblivion by libel suits, there has to be at least some truth to it.  Covering the celebrity gossip beat for as long as I have has taught me plenty about not believing everything you hear, but when magazines report it, there’s got to be at least SOME truth involved.  So sorry, Rob fans–he’s apparently, like the song says, in love with a stripper.

And daddy was promptly there to back up little meal ticke–err…baby Beyonce…with a lovely quote, assuring all and sundry that Howard Stern was a lying sack of crap and that the recording was “obviously altered”. He followed up with:

“If no one took the time to look at the biggest Inauguration in the history of America then shame on them. If no one took the time to listen to Beyonce sing ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘At Last’ at the Neighborhood Ball for the first dance of President Obama and the First Lady, and they question Beyonce’s vocal ability, they’ve gotta be an idiot.”

Yes, clearly, everyone who disagrees with Matthew Knowles is an idiot. There is no other option. Howard Stern is a lying sack of crap.  Anything else is just impossible.

Methinks the manager doth protest too much….

“I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody’s throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it.”

Oh wow.  That’s probably actionable.  Don’t be surprised if Linda gets on the phone to her lawyers and pretty soon that nineteen year old boy OWNS your house while you’re in prison, Hulkster.  Then when you meet your cellmate, the four hundred pound Filipino named Big Lupe who LOVES your pretty blond hair, then maybe you’ll consider the simple virtues of restraint.

For instance, while starting things off at the San Jose show, she screamed a cheerful greeting…to SACRAMENTO.

Her Houston stop featured cries of “Wooo, B**ch!”

At the Washington D.C. stop, she screamed out “Merry Christmas!” near the end of the show.  Audience members were audibly flummoxed by this declaration.

Then there was the “wardrobe malfunction” in Tampa that gave concert-goers a surprising bonus show.

Man, I don’t know what the deal is around here any more…but the Circus tour is rapidly BECOMING a circus, and who knows where it all will end?  Even I’m scared…and that should definitely tell you something.

“He’s a great actor, and if you hire him, you’ll get a good performance. I’m just not going to give a guy who gives aid and comfort to people like (Iran president Mahmoud) Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chavez and Saddam Hussein, when he was alive, my 10 bucks. That’s my right as an American.”

Oh for the love of…Bill…”aid and comfort”?  Seriously?  Do you even understand what that IS?  Are you running a TREASON hearing?

Oh, and you DO understand that Penn already GOT paid, and your ten bucks wouldn’t be going to him at all, but rather to the studio that created the film, right?  Unless, of course, Penn’s got profit participation, but even then, YOUR ten bucks would likely never find its way into his pocket.  Maybe twenty five, thirty cents of that ten bucks would, but never that ten bucks.  That’s how the movie business works, Bill–but I don’t expect you to know that because I didn’t use any obscenities (advance warning: video awesome but not safe for work.  For extra fun, try the dance mix.).

Celebrity and all around High Holy Hoity-Toity Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently mystified to discover that no one wants to pay her five grand a year to join her gym.  Gwyneth’s trainer and partner Tracy Anderson has apparently had to resort to telemarketing and cold-calling, and isn’t coming up with much luck.  Now maybe if Gwyneth was the one who did the cold-calling they’d get some more interest.

But then again, maybe not.  Considering what a gigantic flop GOOP has been, it’s not a surprise to see that Gwyneth’s pricey super-gym isn’t getting any takers.  Apparently she just can’t be bothered to open a newspaper and read about soaring unemployment figures and crashing 401k totals.

Or maybe she thinks that these problems are just for the peasantry and there will still be plenty of Quality People ready to drop five large on workout equipment.  If so, I wish you luck, Gwyneth–we’ll save you a spot in the bread line.

In fact, the current word says they’re losing as much as–get this!–a HUNDRED GRAND A WEEK.It’s gotten so bad that Jack Whisker of luxury real estate firm Dream Property said:: “The Dubai market has fallen off a cliff. The credit crunch hit us suddenly because all the foreign investors lost confidence. It has hit the higher-value properties the hardest.”

Considering how many people have lost their homes outright in this credit mess, it’s hard to feel TOO bad for millionaires losing a sack of cash a week on their houses, but still–you can’t help but feel a little something for them.

Even celebrities buckle under market pressures too, and that’s oddly comforting.

If you go here, you’ll discover that Miley’s been out running, and showing plenty of skin in the process.  Thus, it’s not a surprise that she was photographed, and her response is textbook Miley.  Specifically, Page 3, in the big bold heading: IT’S ALL THE MEDIA’S FAULT.

Clearly working off the “amplify and distort” section of the chapter, Miley came back with:

“I don’t get the big whoop, but whatever. I guess it’s just… I’m not allowed to jog any more… As I’m running, [my shirt] got a little bit lower and you could see a little of the bathing suit top. So, oh my goodness, Miley Cyrus wears a two-piece! Kill me!”

This begs the question, Miley, sweetie, if you’re just planning to go jogging, why wear a bikini in the first place?  I believe most of my female readership will back me up and say that, generally, a SPORTS BRA is designed specifically for that sort of thing and is actually PREFERRED for it.

That’s why they call it a SPORTS bra, Your Martyrdom.  It’s designed for SPORTS.  Like jogging.

But you wouldn’t have been a photo op target wearing one of THOSE, now would you?

Methinks the Miley doth protest too much….

The synopsis sounds strikingly similar to The Island, Michael Bay’s pre-Transformers flop starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johannson.

Mark Romanek, who last year left The Wolfman due to creative differences, will direct from a script by Alex Garland (a frequent Danny Boyle collaborator who wrote 28 Days Later and Sunshine).

Knightley has a number of movies coming up, including London Boulevard with Colin Farrell.

Ed McMahon was pretty old when I was still in diapers! So to hear the news that he was in the hospital with pneumonia was shocking in the sense that I didn’t know this settler was still around.

At any rate, prayers for his family. His condition is pretty serious…

Funny Ed McMahon Cash4Gold Commercial…

And no, I don’t mean OPRAH.  I mean actual opera.  Like with the fat chicks singing.

Why do I pronounce the great classical medium dead?  Well, that’s an easy one. Because someone’s decided to make an opera out of Anna Nicole Smith’s life.

Read that sentence a couple times.  If you’re not amazed–if you’re not convinced I’m lying–then maybe you’ll want to read on.  Richard Thomas, the same guy that brought us the opera about Jerry Springer, is currently writing said opera, which will first appear at London’s Royal Opera House in 2011.  It will be a production that, in the words of the Royal Opera House’s spokesfolk, will examine “human frailty” and compares to something German called Zeit-oper, or Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor.

The worst part about this is that they’re all dead serious.  What’s next?  Caylee Anthony?  Freaking Octo-Mom?  I truly can’t believe this exists.

And they keep telling me that video games are going to rot my brain.